Friday, April 24, 2015

Finding the Truth

This week a friend asked me, So how do you like being a mom?

My mind immediately flashed back to the beginning. The beginning when my days were filled with panic, regret, sadness and confusion. The days when I would fake a smile so fake that it would physically hurt, as I would somehow muster up the courage to And why wouldn't someone believe that lie? Why wouldn't someone believe the new mom that says it's great? If you question her, you're a dick. If you ask her how she's really feeling, you are assumed the biggest asshole on the planet for thinking said new mom is not doing a good job. But really? You would probably be the realest one and said new mom should hug you and never let you go.

Anyways, it took me a moment to respond as I momentarily remembered those early days when I had to lie, until I quickly was reminded by the smiling picture of my daughter on my desk how happy I was. How great she was. How life would literally seem empty now if she wasn't here. How I have the best relationship with Hubs I could possibly imagine now....and I answered her.

It's great.

It is great. I'm not faking it anymore. But I do still have my rough moments and days. I am not cured. On weekends I feel anxiety when Hubs is away at work and I will feel overcome with loneliness, wishing just once I could be surrounded by friends again on a Saturday night, if only for an hour or two. And sometimes in the morning I feel down, for about thirty seconds, as I wish I could just sit on the couch for two more minutes and relax before having to get ready for work....but the feelings pass. P will smile at me or rest her head on my shoulder. I know it's okay, but there still those moments. Recovery takes time. I know I am on the right road now and I thank God every day for answering my prayers for the strength I needed to ask for help and the patience in myself I needed to recover.

I am not ashamed for what I went through. I do not feel bad anymore. Sure, I did in the beginning. I felt guilty and embarrassed. But I have something I didn't have before. I have the power to help others. I have the success story I yearned for and the story I want to share with others, you, to help on the road to recovery. I have this new found strength and pride that I am not afraid to boast about. I am not afraid to share. I love P. P loves me. Our first couple months together were rough and bumpy, but what new relationship isn't? We're in a great place now. It's not being a mom that's great, but it's having P as my daughter that is. She's amazing. I am truly blessed.

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