This week a friend asked me, So how do you like being a mom?
My mind immediately flashed back to the beginning. The beginning when my days were filled with panic, regret, sadness and confusion. The days when I would fake a smile so fake that it would physically hurt, as I would somehow muster up the courage to lie.my.ass.off. And why wouldn't someone believe that lie? Why wouldn't someone believe the new mom that says it's great? If you question her, you're a dick. If you ask her how she's really feeling, you are assumed the biggest asshole on the planet for thinking said new mom is not doing a good job. But really? You would probably be the realest one and said new mom should hug you and never let you go.
Anyways, it took me a moment to respond as I momentarily remembered those early days when I had to lie, until I quickly was reminded by the smiling picture of my daughter on my desk how happy I was. How great she was. How life would literally seem empty now if she wasn't here. How I have the best relationship with Hubs I could possibly imagine now....and I answered her.
It is great. I'm not faking it anymore. But I do still have my rough moments and days. I am not cured. On weekends I feel anxiety when Hubs is away at work and I will feel overcome with loneliness, wishing just once I could be surrounded by friends again on a Saturday night, if only for an hour or two. And sometimes in the morning I feel down, for about thirty seconds, as I wish I could just sit on the couch for two more minutes and relax before having to get ready for work....but the feelings pass. P will smile at me or rest her head on my shoulder. I know it's okay, but there still those moments. Recovery takes time. I know I am on the right road now and I thank God every day for answering my prayers for the strength I needed to ask for help and the patience in myself I needed to recover.
I am not ashamed for what I went through. I do not feel bad anymore. Sure, I did in the beginning. I felt guilty and embarrassed. But now...now I have something I didn't have before. I have the power to help others. I have the success story I yearned for and the story I want to share with others, you, to help on the road to recovery. I have this new found strength and pride that I am not afraid to boast about. I am not afraid to share. I love P. P loves me. Our first couple months together were rough and bumpy, but what new relationship isn't? We're in a great place now. It's not being a mom that's great, but it's having P as my daughter that is. She's amazing. I am truly blessed.