Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Why I Climb

It was the middle of the night; dark, quiet and still. I sat in the glider rocker in my living room holding P as she slept. Everything was so still. It felt like me, in this chair, in this room, in this house, were the only things that existed; everything outside these four walls wasn't there. And that was when, for the first time in my life, I felt completely and utterly alone.

It was in those late night hours when I felt like the only person on Earth that I scrounged the internet on my phone looking for answers, desperately searching for anyone that could relate to me to give me hope. It was in those hours that I stumbled upon an online support group where one particular post caught my eye: Event in your area - you are NOT alone!  An event? Near me? With other women who know how this feels? I HAVE TO GO!!!!

I needed to meet other women like me. I needed to be around other women who have felt how I had felt. I needed to know this could get better and that there was light, and I knew these women could provide me that. But more importantly than that, I needed to celebrate what I had gone through. I struggled and felt defeated, but I also clawed and fought for recovery. I deserved to feel liberated. I deserved to celebrate and to feel free of the shackles of depression. I deserved empowerment over mental illness and show that I will not lose. And at the same time, my baby and my amazing husband deserved a strong woman in their lives that wasn't ashamed of a dark season.

Life is a series of seasons, some better than others, but a season nonetheless. Times change, leaves fall, it gets hot and then cold, but we trudge through them because we are anxious to get to the next one. Mental illness is by far one of the darkest seasons we can endure, but the light of recovery shines over it and through it and leads to hope.

Sometimes we need to be reminded that we deserve to need this feeling of light over our darkest season. And when your season is over, celebrate it. Don't let it fall away and fade into a distant memory, but rather hold on to the knowledge that you fought the war and won. YOU did.

So to anyone out there right now, scrounging the internet late at night in hopes of finding someone, anyone, that can relate to you, I am here. And I am your post telling you that hey, guess what? There's an event near you where women and families will gather, will celebrate, and will lift you up to hope and recovery. They will remind you that you are not alone and will climb through the battle with you to your light. #climbout #whyiclimb

For more information:
Find a climb near you: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of-the-darkness/find-a-climb/
More information: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of-the-darkness/

Support my team: https://www.crowdrise.com/sarahmaier1-COTD2016/fundraiser/sarahmaier1

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Warrior Mama Out

So, here's the thing. People are motivating. They encourage you. They urge you to keep going and instill feelings of strength deep within you. People lay a thick layer of hope and belief in you that you might not have in yourself and they lift you up and liberate you to be this amazing person that they know you can be on the days when you don't think you can. But you know what? I'm tired.

Scratch that.

I'm exhausted. I cannot get up anymore. I feel defeated. And then there is this group of people standing in front of me yelling that they know I can do it, get up, keep going, you can do it!!

Well ya know what? I can't do it. And I don't think I should have to. I should not have to be a strong person all of the time. I want to inspire people. I want to lift others up when they feel down, but at the same time I want others to know it's okay that when you're down to not want to get back up. So here I am, telling you that it's okay. Stay down there a little longer. Take a nap. I am not going to force you to get back up before you're ready. Because I know firsthand that it is completely draining to keep getting up. Sometimes you need a minute.

I am giving you tired souls permission today to take all the minutes you need. Loathe in self pity for a few seconds, wish things were different, remember when things were easier and simpler and happier. Then, spend as much time as you need after that thinking of your next step, your game plan. But take your time. You do not need to figure things out right now. I am giving you permission to not give a damn today. Don't do the dishes. Let the laundry sit one more day. Stop texting people back. Do nothing. Self care does not need to be complicated. It does not need to be massages and girls nights and pedicures. Sometimes self care is just doing jack shit because it's the only way to remove yourself from how crazy things are getting around you. Sometimes self care is staying in the car just a few more minutes to jam out to your favorite song. Sometimes self care is a candy bar or non-diet soda. I'm not here to judge; do what you gotta do.

But I am TIRED ya'll! I need some self care. My knees are buckling and my back is breaking. I cannot be strong anymore today. I know warriors are suppose to be courageous and aggressive, who fight in battle and never give up, but hey, a warrior needs a day off here and there.

Today I am waving my white flag. I am putting down my shield. Warrior mama out.