Foreshadowing

I remember when I was pregnant asking my other mommy friends 'What if I hate being a mom?' Their response was 'You won't.' I asked, 'What if I don't love my baby?' and they said 'You will.'

So how come the moment she was born and I saw her for the first time, all I wanted to do was eat and sleep for three days? I didn't smile at her. I didn't cry. I felt happy I wasn't pregnant anymore and that labor was finally over, but I certainly did not feel like a mom.

I had heard of other friends feeling like "bad moms" when they sent their newborn to the hospital nursery, but I welcomed the idea. I wanted to just be me for a little longer and to have a few more moments of normalcy. So, I immediately trusted total strangers (nurses) to watch over my newborn baby without a second thought. I didn't even know where the nursery was! Don't get me wrong, I loved looking at my baby girl (she really is the cutest baby, ever!) and changing her diaper and rocking her and holding her, but I did not feel like she was mine.

When we brought baby P home for the first time I dreaded the moments she would wake up and cry because I just didn't want to deal with her. I wanted to sit on the couch with my husband and waste the day away more than I wanted to spend time with my newborn. Something wasn't right. Hubs would leave for a quick convenience store run and I would bawl the minute he left because I missed him so much. Something wasn't right. My baby slept literally all day, yet I went days without changing my clothes, showering or brushing my teeth, and most days I wouldn't eat until dinner. Something is seriously not okay! Friends texted and Facebooked me asking how mommyhood was and I would lie and say 'It's going...' or 'It's different.' Not once did I say it was great, amazing and I am loving every minute of it.

I felt like I had let everyone down. I didn't love being a mom, I didn't feel this overwhelming love for my baby, I didn't have thoughts that everything I did was now for my child. I just didn't. So if everything I had been hearing for the last 9 months was true, then I must be the only one who has ever felt this way. All of my friends, family, social media companions....all of them were happy and overjoyed with the birth of their babies and I was not. I was alone, and I better make sure I don't tell anyone about it because no one else could possibly understand.