Running in Place

Ever since I can remember I have always run away from my problems. Perhaps it was a fear of confrontation, or letting someone down or showing any signs of weakness, but either way I have always tried to avoid them. Growing up, it could have been a disagreement with my parents, a bad grade, a fight with a friend...I would avoid addressing the issue at all costs.

Now here's the real challenge....have you ever tried to run away from a baby? Let me tell you that it is damn near impossible. Physically, yes, easy peasy. Emotionally? Those little boogers are magnets! Despite the fact that each day I struggle to be positive and interact with my baby, I can't seem to escape her. So then the brilliant thought comes that I could just take her with me and maybe the real problem is where I am, not what I'm going through. Well by the time you have the baby fed, burped and changed, the diaper bag filled, the dogs locked up, purse loaded and baby strapped into the car seat, you are too freaking exhausted to make it out the door alone with all that crap, emotional baggage included. So you succumb and throw the bags on the floor, release the dogs and lift the baby back out and plop your ass back on the couch where a nice indent has already been started from the many days of being parked there. Oofda.

There has to be an easier way to run away from your problems. Especially now. The baby is crying, the dog just pooped on the floor, there's three loads of laundry staring me in the face, a sink full of dishes and now I can't stop itching myself because of an allergic reaction to the beautiful meds I was put on to deal with PPD. I can't figure out which is worse....being horrifically sad, or being slightly sad and itching like crazy. It's a toss up, really. It's impossible to run away from all this craziness. It's crazy to think I could run way from what has become my life. It's silly to think I shouldn't want this life.

I tried to think of the last thing that made me happy. Of course, my husband makes me happy, my adorable puppies, my loving family, a glass of wine after a long day.....but what was the last thing I did that made me happy? Of course. The one thing that I was so great at. Running! But this time it would be different. This time, I wouldn't be running away from my problems, I would be running towards a solution to them. I decided enough was enough. After many attempts, I got off the couch, put on my tennis shoes, strapped P into her swing in front of the treadmill, put in my headphones and ran. A very slow, frequently-interrupted-by-baby-cries run. And it felt GREAT! Sure, it took me 17 minutes to go one mile, and I wasn't getting any further away than when I started, but I finally started feeling better. It was the first day in weeks I didn't cry in the shower or feel helpless. I felt filled with purpose and motivation again. I saw a glimpse of the woman I used to be and the woman I am trying to be again. I only hope I can stay running in place long enough to see her again.