Regret

Being a first time mom, I only thought I knew what I was getting myself into the day that test turned up positive. When I saw that second line appear, I couldn't believe it. We had been trying for months and the day was finally here. We were going to be parents! We immediately began planning, starting a registry, discussing names, talking about all the things we wanted to teach him/her and what we hoped for the future....we smiled every time we heard the heartbeat and stared at the ultrasound pictures proudly. After many months of organizing and thousands of dollars later, our nursery was complete. It was perfect and we couldn't wait to put our little princess in it.

Flash forward. The day has finally arrived that that little second line has now turned into a full grown baby we were carrying into our home for the very first time. We put her in her swing and stared at her. Hubs beamed with pride. I felt nothing. I was tired, the house was a mess, the dogs were needy and curious (therefore, annoying) and all I wanted to do was lay on the couch, turn on the TV and relax. I did spend the next three weeks doing just this, as P pretty much slept the whole day, but it wasn't the same. I didn't want to pick her up. I didn't want to cuddle her or rock her or feed her or change her...I just wanted to be me again.

Regret immediately set in. What had I done? My life is ruined! I will never get to do anything again! I will never have Hubs to myself again! We will never go out on a date again! What have I done?????

Every day I regretted my baby. I didn't see her as a burden, but I truly believed I had ruined my life. I didn't think I was meant to be a mother after all. I didn't understand why everyone was so happy for us because I was so miserable for myself. I was bitter at visitors who came to hold P and commented on how adorable she was and how lucky we were, then they would leave with the 'Make sure to enjoy that baby!' Ugh. Every time someone said that I wanted to respond with 'No thank you,' but I somehow found the energy to fake a smile instead. It was nice having visitors and seeing everyone, but at the same time it made me resent them because they got to leave and I was tied down to this baby. I couldn't shake the feeling that I didn't want my baby anymore. I knew it was horrible to think that, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know how I could possibly get out of this whole "mother" thing anymore. Worst yet, Hubs was so incredibly happy over our newborn that I knew it would break his heart if I told him I felt this way. What if he decided I wasn't meant to be a mother either and take the baby and leave me? What if he was so disgusted that I felt this way about our baby that we had wanted so badly that he couldn't stand to be near me anymore? I couldn't tell my family because they were head over heels in love with our newest addition, and all of my friends with children only talked about how great and happy their kids made them. They would definitely think I was the worst person. I would lose literally everyone in my life if they knew.

But my life had changed. Every. Single. Thing. My whole world was turned around and it was the one thing I didn't plan for or discuss with anyone beforehand. For 9 months I talked about being pregnant, having a newborn and going into labor, but not once did I think about what was going to happen afterwards. No one warned me. Everyone warned me about contractions and pushing and sleepless nights with a baby....so if no one told me there was a slight chance of me being miserable once I was home with the baby, then no one else must have ever felt this way about their own baby before.

That means I was the only one to ever have post-partum depression. Whoa. That's heavy.