What I really wanted to say with this post is easy: parenting a toddler is hard. Being a parent with anxiety to a toddler is super, super sucky.
Life is really busy right now. Between work, home life, summer plans and selling a home, there are some days I literally don't remember them happening at all because they went by so incredibly fast I didn't even realize it. There are entire conversations I don't remember having simply because I had too many of them that day. My mind is constantly thinking 479 things at the same time because I need to remember to buy diapers, cook dinner, meal plan, go to work, meet deadlines, pick up dog food, go to the gym, do the laundry, make the bed, text the realtor, approve showings....and the 479th thing I'm thinking is that I cannot ask anyone for help, including Hubs, because for some reason I need to do it all myself. Hubs is capable, willing and able, but Anxiety tells me I just need to do ALL THE THINGS and then get mad that I am doing ALL THE THINGS. And then Anxiety lies again by making me think I really am doing all the things, when really Hubs is taking on just as much, if not more, than myself.
And then life gets super, super busy. It gets so busy I forget to take my medication, and when that happens you better make sure you have a strong drink in front of you at all times because Mama Bear comes out with fists swinging (figuratively speaking). I thought back to last week and estimated that I roughly went four days in a row without taking my medication. A few side effects erupted from this, such as extreme irritability, overeating (awesome), inability to control my anger, and general lashing out at things completely out of my control.
Honestly, those side effects just sound like a bad day to the average person, but to a person with anxiety, it affects daily life and relationships. When the dogs whine, I scream at them. When the dishes and laundry are piled up, I cannot bring myself to take care of them even though I want to because it's too overwhelming. When P cries, I lose my shit. Like, storm out of the room type lose my shit. My anxiety level soars extremely high extremely fast when I cannot meet her needs or soothe her fast enough.
P is the victim of my irresponsibility. The thing is, is I don't want her to grow up with a mom who yells. I don't want her thinking I'm always mad at her, because I'm not. And I don't want Hubs to think all I do is yell at everyone in the house (which he does, but he forgives me and loves me anyways). It's not that I can't 'handle' things, it's that I struggle with just holding my shit together sometimes. My emotions are not directed at any particular person because of something they did, my emotions are spilled out at everything in front of me because I can be a forgetful person. No bueno.
So no, this post isn't going to be clever or witty, and there's no special lesson learned. It's a simple post. One to explain 1) toddlers are super whiny sometimes and there's nothing we can do about it, 2) parenting with anxiety makes just about every task more difficult, medicated or not, and 3) taking medication when you really need it is extremely important; it doesn't matter what other methods you use that you 'think' will cure you. #meditateonthis
So there it is. Honesty. An update on life as a working mommy to a toddler who just wants to not be such a basketcase all the time, but really can't help it. And a reminder to myself that I need to keep myself in check. P deserves the best mom, and Hubs deserves the best wife, and there is really no excuse for not delivering that.
(Note: If you are also struggling to remember to take medication, or need to keep your emotions in check, download the app called Start, currently only available in the Apple store.)