It was the middle of the night; dark, quiet and still. I sat in the glider rocker in my living room holding P as she slept. Everything was so still. It felt like me, in this chair, in this room, in this house, were the only things that existed; everything outside these four walls wasn't there. And that was when, for the first time in my life, I felt completely and utterly alone.
It was in those late night hours when I felt like the only person on Earth that I scrounged the internet on my phone looking for answers, desperately searching for anyone that could relate to me to give me hope. It was in those hours that I stumbled upon an online support group where one particular post caught my eye: Event in your area - you are NOT alone! An event? Near me? With other women who know how this feels? I HAVE TO GO!!!!
I needed to meet other women like me. I needed to be around other women who have felt how I had felt. I needed to know this could get better and that there was light, and I knew these women could provide me that. But more importantly than that, I needed to celebrate what I had gone through. I struggled and felt defeated, but I also clawed and fought for recovery. I deserved to feel liberated. I deserved to celebrate and to feel free of the shackles of depression. I deserved empowerment over mental illness and show that I will not lose. And at the same time, my baby and my amazing husband deserved a strong woman in their lives that wasn't ashamed of a dark season.
Life is a series of seasons, some better than others, but a season nonetheless. Times change, leaves fall, it gets hot and then cold, but we trudge through them because we are anxious to get to the next one. Mental illness is by far one of the darkest seasons we can endure, but the light of recovery shines over it and through it and leads to hope.
Sometimes we need to be reminded that we deserve to need this feeling of light over our darkest season. And when your season is over, celebrate it. Don't let it fall away and fade into a distant memory, but rather hold on to the knowledge that you fought the war and won. YOU did.
So to anyone out there right now, scrounging the internet late at night in hopes of finding someone, anyone, that can relate to you, I am here. And I am your post telling you that hey, guess what? There's an event near you where women and families will gather, will celebrate, and will lift you up to hope and recovery. They will remind you that you are not alone and will climb through the battle with you to your light. #climbout #whyiclimb
For more information:
Find a climb near you: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of-the-darkness/find-a-climb/
More information: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of-the-darkness/
Support my team: https://www.crowdrise.com/sarahmaier1-COTD2016/fundraiser/sarahmaier1