This week was hard. It was stressful. Work was demanding, people were cranky, nothing was going my way and to top it off I am completely out of wine.
Weeks, even days, such as these (minus the wine) are triggers for some. For those of you that aren't familiar with the term, a trigger is something that might upset what appears to be a perfectly 'normal' and 'happy' person. So a trigger to someone with PPD/PPA/PPP could be devastating. Catastrophic, almost. So this whole week, everyday, was a trigger. If it wasn't one thing it was another. Nothing was going my way, I felt so stressed and that everything was a mess. I was tired, I was hungry (like seriously, all the time. Carbs carbs carbs), and everything just seemed to irritate me.
Then Thursday came. I broke. I couldn't take it anymore. Everything was piling up and I was sick of dealing with it. Catastrophe in three....two....one....
But it never happened. I waited. I really thought it would. I prepared. But nothing happened. Instead, I logged off my computer at work, grabbed my purse and drove to daycare. P was crying when I walked in, but stopped as soon as she saw me. And this girl was a mess. Her face was red and sweating from crying (no, she was fine, she just needed a diaper change), she was covered in oatmeal and boogers and was definitely well overdue for a nap. After her diaper was changed, I picked her up and went and sat down in a rocking chair with her. She wiped her boogers and oatmeal all over my sweater. I didn't care. Okay I lie, I did care a little bit. Sorry, but boogers and food spit up are gross, your child or not your child, nobody wants that rubbed all over them. But she was my gross, tired, cranky little mess of a peanut. I held her. I tickled her. I watched her smile. I kissed her cheeks. Then she started crying because she was really tired, my queue to leave, but I didn't want to. As I left the classroom and walked back through the building to my car I started crying. I didn't want to leave her. Could I call work and tell them I can't come back? No. I have way too much on my plate. So I got back in my car and bawled the entire drive back to work.
I do NOT cry (yeah, yeah, anymore!). And I certainly do not miss my baby. I mean, the longest I've ever been away from her is just while I've been at work, but I've never been away from her long enough to physically miss her. I've never cried because I needed to be with her so bad. By the time I got back to work, I had recovered, fixed my make up, and went about my day as though nothing had happened.
My mind was blown. I thought I would have a full blown melt down this week, cry and cry and hug Hubs and need him to tell me that everything was okay and he was there for me like he always does (he's great, isn't he?), but it never happened. I was fine. All these things in my life that before had been a trigger, meant nothing. In fact, the cure to my triggers was the one thing that used to be the source of my trigger.
Will I never have a trigger again? Maybe. But probably not. From time to time I will feel down. I will need Hubs to hold me and just tell me he loves me and that we can get through everything together, but I can't expect it. I can't fear the triggers. Clearly they change over time. But whatever my next trigger is, whatever makes me temporarily sink to the bottom of my feelings, I know I won't need to fear it. I have P. And through her tears and boogers and oatmeal covered face, she is the most beautiful thing in my life and nothing can ever change that.