The memories are fading. Each day they seem further and further away.
At the time, the depression seemed to hold me so tight I knew it would never let me go and I would be stuck like that forever. Time stood still. Food had no taste. It hurt to smile. I cringed when I had to hold my daughter. I feared sleeping because I knew it wouldn't last. Everything felt unnatural. In that moment, those feelings were real. They were raw and they were my life. Now, those memories, those feelings, feel so far away. Sometimes when I think about them, it doesn't even seem like that really happened to me and I wonder if maybe I made it all up. Was life really that bad?
I know it was. I was there. Hubs was there; I'm sure he remembers too. And P...surely at the time she felt that her mother wanted nothing to do with her. I am lucky P will never remember those feelings I gave to her, but I feel burdened that I am beginning to forget. I don't want to forget those dark days, because in those days I was weaker than I had ever been. I was lower than I could have ever imagined and was convinced that was my life now. And then I recovered. The memories of those days are all I have to remember how strong I am, how much I overcame, and basically how kick ass I am.
I am a warrior mama. I earned that shit. And I don't want to forget why.
So it makes me sad that those memories are fading and those feelings from months ago aren't as vivid. I grieve that strong mama I was because I know I will never overcome something so extremely difficult again. I will never accomplish something so heavy, something that had the potential to take away everything, ever again. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to re-live those days or feel those feels ever again, but I want to remember how strong I am, how brave I am and how I got to the place I am today. I'm proud of who I am now. I'm proud of P and the progress we've made together.
I was once told that we are chemically wired to forget the true pain and agony of childbirth so that we are willing to go through it again, because if we didn't no one would keep having babies. I laughed at the time. Surely no woman would forget the feeling of a knife being plunged into her gut and wiggled around and then being ripped in half and having to learn to walk and create a bowel movement again. Nope. Not buying it. Who can forget that???
But I don't laugh anymore. It's freaking true!!! I remember it was painful and it sucked and I was uncomfortable and for a week after P was born I feared sneezing or coughing or sitting or walking or standing or inhaling or exhaling.....and maybe that's why my memories of PPD are fading away, for if I held on to them too tightly I would never be willing to risk that challenge again. I remember it sucked, but I honestly can't remember why I ever thought life was so bad, but at the time, life was more painful than childbirth.
So maybe there's nothing I can do but to keep writing, keep positive and keep helping other mamas. There is nothing else I can do. I am chemically wired to forget so that I can move on.