There are days I don't want to be a mom. Days I wish I could go back to before P blessed my little home with her little giggles and wiggly toes, days back when I could lay on the couch all day and be selfish. Like today. My throat hurts, it burns, I'm exhausted, my nose won't stop running, but is congested at the same time. I've developed a cough. Energy=status zero.
Not only do I just not care about anything right now because I am so run down with this cold, but I now have to deal with the fear of passing this cold to P, and dear Lord, life will be OVER if P gets this wretched cold. Hubs helps, thankfully. But that doesn't change the fact that I am still left with many moments in the day when she solely relies on me to feed her, cuddle her and play with her. And I want to, but at the same time I really don't. I want a day off.
I want a day I can lay on the couch and doze in and out of sleep, sipping on tea and watching crappy day time TV. I want a day I can feel some self pity and just cry because I feel like a pile of dirt. I want a day I can call in to work and stay home and literally do nothing, instead of laundry, dishes, washing bottles, changing sheets, picking up after everyone....I want a day off.
I knew from the beginning that as a parent there is no such thing as a day off. I knew this lifestyle I chose was 24/7, but that doesn't change the fact that for just one day I would like to not have to. It doesn't change my feelings towards P. I still love her. I still want to play with her and cuddle her and feed her and rock her to sleep, but today I would like someone else to do it. I want the house to myself so I can just focus on laying around and feeling like crap and eventually getting better. I want a day off.
And is that such a terrible thing to want? I'm human. I work 8am-5pm Monday-Friday at my job and love it, but from 5pm-9pm I am working from home, taking care of my family and the home we have made together, and I love that too. I work early in the morning changing diapers and crib bedding, getting P dressed for school and taking care of our two dogs. Sometimes I work in the middle of the night soothing P back to sleep or scrambling to find her paci for her that she has somehow lost in her little crib, and on the rare occasion still, night feedings. I don't get a break, even when we're at the lake for a getaway. I don't get to take a lunch, because it needs to be filled with getting my job done so I can leave on time to get P from day care, or scheduling doctor or vet appointments, or running to the store for a last minute graduation gift for someone.....
So really, is it that horrible that I am asking for one day off?