Friday, March 6, 2015

Forgiving God

I'm not one to preach my beliefs to others, much less devote an entire blog post to God, but right now in my life I feel like it is more than necessary to seek God and pray.

Growing up we went to church every Sunday. I went to Sunday school, received my first communion and became confirmed. After that however, my faith stopped growing. When I was 18 and went to college I made friends with the girl across the hall from me in the dorms. We had many differences, but genuinely enjoyed each others company. She was extremely devoted in her faith while I was anything but, and wasn't afraid to let people know it. Finally one day she asked me 'Are you sure you don't believe in God, or are you just mad at him?' Wow. I never thought of that. I was raised Christian and thought I believed in God, but over time began to have doubts. But it wasn't until this moment of my life that I ever thought that it was maybe because I was just mad. This new chick was on to something. And so it began....I started reading the bible again and attended church a few times; I even prayed when I felt I needed it the most. I was becoming Christian again and I was excited. 

Flash forward a few or so baby girl is sound asleep in her swing and I'm on the shower floor bawling my eyes out. I am so miserable. I'm sad all the time. I've ruined my marriage. I've lost my freedom. How can this be happening to me? How could God let this happen to me? I prayed every night to him to please make these feelings go away so I could be happy and enjoy my daughter and love her, but my prayers remained unanswered. God, I am so mad at you!!

I knew I needed my faith now more than ever and if I could just pull myself together for a minute and realize that this is in His hands and I need to be still and listen that everything would be okay. God loves. God forgives. God gives. God heals. I need to remember that last part.

Some days I still get mad at God. I don't understand why I was chosen for this journey, but I believe everything happens for a reason. I pray to God every day. I pray he gives me strength to handle my depression, patience to love my daughter, happiness so I can please my husband and normalcy so I can feel like me again and make all those other things possible. I figure it's okay to get mad at Him sometimes; I'm sure he gets mad at me too, like all those years that I doubted Him. Just like it takes time to recover from depression, it takes time to overcome my anger and accept the challenges that God has laid out before me. 

Oh, and that girl from my dorm? To this day she's one of my best friends. I can't imagine my life without her, and I'm not sure I want to imagine what my life would have turned out like had she not come into it. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11


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