Thursday, March 26, 2015

Running in Place Part II

I have a tendency to run from things when they get a little too tough for me. In high school if I was mad at my friends I would ignore them and hang out with a different group for awhile. When things got difficult at a job, I would quit. In college, if guys showed the slightest bit of interest in me, I would start talking to someone else. And when I turned 21 and did bad on a test or fight with my room mates, I would have a beer...or four. I was always running and avoiding anything that might turn into a difficult situation.

Then I met Hubs. I began running towards something for once. I ran towards spending time with him, a future with him. I ran towards working more and more so we could afford a life together. I ran to the alter to devote my life to him and start a family with him. And from the day I told him I loved him until this very moment, I have always done everything I could to make him happy and show him how much I appreciate him being in my life (but I don't think I'll ever stop running towards that).

Through my recovery I realized I stopped doing a lot of the things that made me happy. That made me who I was. And over the last few weeks I have slowly started to gain some of that control back. For instance, I have always enjoyed cooking for my husband and trying new healthy recipes. I love cleaning and organizing, and most importantly I love running and working out. I've got the cooking and cleaning under control now, but it was time to get my run back. It was around 9:30am today I decided I was going to go running after work, something I had only done a few times since P was born. So there the clock turned 5:00 and I raced to daycare to get P and raced home (safely, of course) to play with her and cuddle her before putting her down for a nap. I got dressed, put my headphones in and jumped on the treadmill and just started running. And I couldn't stop. My legs started burning and my breathing started becoming shallow, but I could not stop running. I needed to keep going. And I started thinking about how happy I was running, and how it was funny that in the past I was always running away or towards something, yet here in this moment I wasn't going anywhere. I was running in place. I was accomplishing and going no where, but I was so content with that. I smiled. And I smiled through the pain I was feeling in my legs and my lungs and kept going.

It's funny how we can find symbolism in anything if we really look for it, but here I am once again, running in place. I stayed here long enough to find me again and now that I'm back I think I'll stay awhile. I think I'll keep running in place because after all this I am finding I kind of like it here afterall.

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